At the hospital

While at the hospital BF'ing continued to be hard.  We'd have easy moments and then even more hard ones.  We found the early morning feedings the easiest.  The others were struggles.  I felt so bad constantly calling in the nurses to help, but I had to get him to eat and we couldn't get him to latch.  Henry would scream his head off as soon as we tried to feed him most times.  It didn't help that even when we did have success he was a lazy sucker and would fall asleep too quickly and it was SO hard to get him to wake up.  In hindsight my poor little man was so tired from his 'traumatic' and early birth that he was just so lethargic and exhausted.  He just couldn't stay awake long enough to get enough nutrients.  And because he didn't get enough to eat, that made him even more tired.

This whole time while I'm struggling with BF'ing Henry our family members are in and out visiting.  There were so many times I just wanted to kick them out because I was having such a hard time, I felt like I needed more time alone with him, and honestly, I just felt like hiding.  On top of that I was so groggy from pain pills and in so much pain I just didn't want to deal with anybody but my husband, Henry and the hospital staff.  Don't get me wrong (as I know many of my family members are reading this), I do not regret having my family around me.  They were all such wonderful supports for me to lean on, to get advice from, to be distracted by and to have things put in perspective.  But at the same time I felt overwhelmed and wanted to go hide under my bed.  I also was struggling with feeling like a bad mom.  My nipples were flat and in my mind that was the only problem and it was my fault.  On top of that I hadn't felt a connection to Henry right away and was feeling distant, separate from this experience.  I didn't feel like a mom, I thought it would just happen, ZING!  I'm a mom and I feel like one.  I felt like a lousy mother for not feeling bonded to Henry right away.  Don't get me wrong, I loved him, thought he was a sweet wonderful, adorable little man.  But I just couldn't feel connected.

I didn't share that right away with anybody.  Again, in hindsight, I should have.  I would've felt so much better when I heard them say 'that's normal' and have them say how they felt that way too, and it can take a bit for that bond to form.  I shouldn't of blamed myself for our BF'ing woes.  It wasn't my fault.  It wasn't Henry's fault.  It just was.  It just stinking was.

Our first night in the hospital they wanted me to sleep skin to skin with Henry.  I felt like it was so taboo - I never thought in a million years that they would want me to sleep in a hospital bed with him.  But Henry was having trouble maintaining his temperature, and the best way to regulate it is to be skin to skin.  It felt so good.  So wonderfully good to have my little man sleeping on me.  I don't think I got more than a wink of sleep.  I was so afraid that he'd suffocate.  That my boobs would suffocate him, that the blanket would suffocate him.  He was so tiny.  So precious.  All I could do was stare in awe.

Our second night at the hospital, after struggling for what seemed eternity (but probably was just 10 minutes) we called in the nurse to have her help us get him to latch.  When she couldn't get him to latch either I lost it.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  I'm tearing up right now thinking about how I felt in that moment.  I felt like a failure.  Like the worst mom ever.  How could I NOT be BF'ing my son, it must be my fault.  I could barely breathe I was crying so hard.  I can't remember the last time prior to that moment that I cried so hard, that I felt so broken.  Little did I know, I had many more breaking points to come during this struggle.  The nurse then offered us a little help, I could pump and manually express out as much collostrum as I could, they would feed it to him in the nursery with some sugar water and we could get some sleep.  She could tell I was at the end of my rope and needed somebody to help me.  But there really is only so much anybody can do for a new mom in a position like I was in.  She offered us the best thing she could do, which was give us some sleep.  Jay and I talked about it for probably half an hour before we took her up on sending him to the nursery.  I struggled - I felt like I was admitting defeat, that I was a bad mom for letting somebody else care for my son.  But Jay and I both knew that this would most likely be our last chance for any decent length of sleep in the weeks, months and years to come.  It was really strange once they took him away.  To be alone in that room with just Jay.  Jay started playing around on the internet.  I snapped at him to stop, that we just sent our son away for one thing and one thing only, sleep.  Not so we could play games.  It just felt so selfish to me.

By our last day in the hospital I felt like we were finally starting to get this whole BF'ing thing down.  I was finally starting to feel confident.

Leaving the hospital was surreal.  Made being a mom feel so real almost.  And I mean that word - almost.  I still felt like all this just couldn't be really happening - that no way did my life change so drastically overnight.  I had no idea what to do, when to do it and how to feel.  I felt overwhelmed.  That first car ride home with Henry was the most nerve wracking thing ever.  I discovered for the first time the meaning of the words pure terror.  Henry's head flopped down to his chest on the ride home.  I panicked, I had chosen to sit in the back to be with him.  I am so glad I did.  Who knows what could've happened to my floppy newborn.  Could he have suffocated?  Would he have been just fine?  I held his head up as it kept flopping.  Did Jay install the carseat right?  It shouldn't be so upright that his head flops like this!  What happens if we get in a car accident and I'm holding his head up?  Would my hand/arm crush his delicate little skull in?  I was in full on panic mode.  It was exhausting.

I was still feeling optimistic though.  After all, we were starting to get the hang of BF'ing, we were going home, and if the hospital really thought we couldn't do it, they would've stopped us and helped us with a new plan right?

Little did I know that this next week, starting with that first night home, would be one of the worst emotionally for me.  Thanks hormones for your help in that ;-)