One last hurrah.

The week or two before our trip to Pennsylvania for Christmas I call up my doula from Henrys birth, Kate. The majority of the time we'd had luck getting Henry to latch it was with Kate there guiding us.  To this point I'd say I'd only had two succussful breastfeeding attempts/latches in 3 1/2 months.  She arrived and we started trying to get Henry to latch.  We knew we were in for a fight.  We had luck after only about 20-30 min of trying to get him to latch.  Yeah, I had to use a shield, but he was on, it didn't hurt, and he seemed happy with it.  Score 1!

It was pretty wonderful to be able to feel what a good latch and breastfeeding experience felt like.  Took a bit for us to get there, but it was worth it.  The next feeding was in the morning as Henry slept through the night.  Not hardly any struggle at all.  And I know he got some milk because he vomited it up all over me...  Nice.  However I discovered that trying to breastfeed while my breasts were full and engorged was much easier for both of us than every other time during the day when I wasn't as full.  The next morning pretty much the same thing, he latched, but didn't stay on nearly as long as the previous day.  He was done with this 'novelty' way of feeding.  He wanted his bottle back.

After having another emotional melt down Jay and I talked and decided that it was in my best interest, and thus Henry's best interest if I accept that he could not successfully breastfeed.  I spent nearly 4 months trying to breastfeed, crying over failed attempts, going to dozens upon dozens of various Dr. appointments with Henry.  I needed to take a break and just enjoy him.  I set a goal of pumping until I started work up in a couple weeks then to see from there how I felt.  Before I even got to work I decided to go until Henry was 6 mo's old.  Valentine's Day.  Then re-evaluate if I wanted to continue pumping or not.

As we approached V-Day I thought, hey, I think I can go until Henry's 1st birthday.  Then, after I had decided to do that  my supply crashed.  I knew I couldn't do traditional supplements (fenugreek/goats rue) as Henry reacted badly to those supplements, mother's milk tea didn't help, and I had already maxed out on Domperidone (Rx used to increase lactation).  I struggled coming to terms with not making enough each day for him and what to do.  Thaw out some of my hard earned freezer stash or start supplementing with formula to spread out how long he has breastmilk in his diet.  After another emotional breakdown and a long talk with Jay we decided to introduce formula, wean off pumping and just do 2-3 bottles of breastmilk a day.

I honestly think my body was ready to be done.  The next day I went from 5 pumping sessions to 4 sessions.  I got about 5 oz less than normal.  The next day was 3 pumping sessions, I got half of 'normal'.  I used to make a little over an ounce an hour (27-30 oz a day).  Today, I'm making less than half an ounce/hour.  Today is day 3 of weaning off pumping and I'm not even engorged or full.  I've only pumped one time and will pump once more before bed.  We'll see what I get tomorrow morning.  But I think I will go to work w/o my pump for the first time since I went back to work 2 1/2 months ago.  It'll be nice to have my body back, but I still wish I could be breastfeeding.  I wish I didn't have to deal with bottles and cleaning pump supplies (although the latter I won't be dealing with much longer).  I wish I could have that bonding time of looking down at him while he eats from me.  That's probably why I grudgingly let others feed him, is that time was supposed to be mine (according to my plan) and I don't like giving up on my plans.

I have several hundred ounces frozen, enough to probably give him 2 bottles of BM a day for several months.  So that makes me happy.  He doesn't seem to care that he is now getting formula.  He has no preference.  So it's on to the next stage for us.

Things I have learned:
1. Plans are good, but don't plan on it going 100% to plan.  Be flexible.
2. Don't do something that makes you miserable.  I don't think I will try this hard again in the future if/when we have a second child.
3. It does no good to be so hard on myself.  All I did was make myself miserable and stressed.
4. Regrets - they suck.  I wish I had that time back so I could enjoy Henry more instead of being so stressed out.
5. Have breastfeeding support appointments set up in advance, even if you don't have problems, no harm can come from having someone give you a helping hand.
6. If I'm going to attempt breastfeeding in the future - NO bottles of any kind unless medically necessary.  I think this is part of where I went wrong.
7. Forgive myself.